Monday, December 28, 2009

Good Riddance to 2009!

Wow, could there be a worse year than 2009?  Just to update, we lost one pregnancy in February and then another one in November.  What a way to lose all hope and joy.  Ok, ok, I have to stop thinking about 2009 and look forward to 2010.  I think I need to come up with a bucket list (and no, there's no imminent death).  How often have we all thought about things we'd "like to do someday" but never do it?  I'm going to put these things on a list and give myself a one year deadline to doing them.  Of course, I'd love to have the cure for cancer or world peace on that list, but these are just things that I've wanted to do (and am ABLE to do) and  some are just frivolous things that happen to be important to me.

2010 List of things to do         
take 1 picture per day- I love photography but I need to get out there and find interesting subjects in my everyday life to capture.

knit a vest- 5 years of knitting and all I have to show for it are some hats, cowls and scarves?!  Come on, it's time to bite the bullet and make some clothes!
Maybe, I'll start with the honeycomb vest?
knit a cardigan- (for the same reason as above). Maybe the tea leaves cardigan?
plan two long weekends away- we need these.  We plan big trips away, but neglect to take some short spurts of time away, especially when things get hectic.  Plus, it's time to finally go to a cute B&B in New England and look at the fall foliage (perhaps while knitting a sweater??)
work out or go out for a long walk at least twice a week- because I'm fat!  I lost some much needed weight this year and gained it back.  It's time to bite the bullet and get cracking!
Blog- I like writing.  I'm not great at it, but I think it's a great way to vent and I need more of that, especially given this lovely year!  Plus, I hate reading someone's blog only to find that their last update was in 2006!

Saturday, March 14, 2009

"Knit on with confidence and hope, through all crises."

So, I'm pretty new to knitting.  By new, I mean about 5 years ago I taught myself the basics- knit, purl, yarn overs, etc.  However, I've really had a love/hate relationship to knitting.  I have  grandiose dreams of finishing lots of increasingly difficult projects.  In actuality I get stuck on one simple step and I put the knitting aside and don't pick it up for months on end.  This year, or the end of last month to be exact, I vowed that that would change.  I wanted to start a project and finish it, and more importantly, I wanted to stick to it through thick and thin and knit at least one row daily.    So far, so good.  Given all that's been going on since the beginning of February, knitting, or rather my newfound obsessiveness with it has kept me sane, or at least from jumping off a roof.  I read a quote from Elizabeth Zimmerman,"Knit on with confidence and hope, through all crises."  What a great quote!  It's become my unofficial mantra.  

My obsession for knitting has taken the place of obsessively researching the internet to find out why I had lost a pregnancy last month and how I could survive it.  I  was convinced that somewhere in this vast universe of cyberspace, someone had to know.  I didn't find those answers, instead, what I did find were excruciatingly painful stories of loss and a wonderful network of women on Ravelry who were feeling what I was.  I learned that I will learn to laugh and have joy, but will always have a scar in my heart.  I've also been helped tremendously by the strength of the women in my family and am humbled by what they have been through and how they survived it.  They're strength has bolstered me.  I've also been amazed by my husband.  He is so strong yet gentle.  His tears and hand to hold through this horrible loss have brought us even closer together (which I never thought possible given how close we already were).  

March has been a month of remembrance so far.  I made it this week through the one month anniversary of the loss of our baby.  It feels like it happened so long ago, like this sadness is all I remember.  At the same time the feelings are still very raw.  The emotional roller coaster continues, but overall it's been a better week than last.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Sunday Again

So it's Sunday (again) and the weather is calling for 5 to 8 inches of snow tomorrow.  When will the snow end??  When will the cold weather end for that matter?  I've been in a horrible mood for weeks (unrelated to weather) but could use some cheering up with a nice 60 degree sunny day.  

So this is my first blog post, and I promise they won't all be about weather or my foul mood.  I guess I should explain my reasons for starting the blog.  After 3 years of trying to conceive, on Nov 1, 2008, I got the greatest surprise of my life - I was pregnant.  My husband and I had just gotten back from our trip to Phoenix/Grand Canyon, and after a week of feeling extremely tired all the time-bordering on narcolepsy, and expecting my period, I got home to a big surprise.  I actually took 5 pregnancy tests to be sure I was.  I was thrilled and terrified all at once.  As the weeks (and months progressed) we had our 3 month (12 week) sonogram (all ok), and then another sonogram at 20 weeks.  Unfortunately we received horrible news at this visit. Almost 3 weeks ago, I ceased being a mom to be.  While the days following our bad news were/are filled with tears and heartbreak, my husband and I are trying to survive and take each day as it comes.  No easy feat, I can assure you.  Anyway, I am still very much trying to make sense of it all, somehow learn from it, and try and move on but not forget.